Resolving an Argument

Fair Fighting Techniques - Resolving an argument

To successfully resolve an argument, try implementing the following strategies:

Bring the issue up in the moment. By stating what is happening in the moment, gives both parties the opportunity to do something different and resolve the issue. Keep in mind that just because you bring a topic to your partner’s attention does not mean that in the moment the two of you will be able to discuss it in detail.
Only discuss issues in detail when alone. The issue is between you and your partner and is not meant for anyone else’s ears. As far as other people are concerned, they should only be privy to seeing the two of you treating each other well and getting along.
Stick to a particular topic. In others words, if you are arguing about whose turn it is to cook dinner, do not let yourself get off task and start to argue about whose turn it is to do the dishes after dinner or who came home late. Take one topic, and stick to it. By bringing in other issues, you dilute the initial issue and may end up not resolving the initial problem. Worse yet, the two of you may now be arguing about something totally different, which may also not end up getting resolved.
Keep it focused. In other words, do not generalize. If you are arguing about whose turn it is do the dishes, talk about whose turn it is. Do not let yourself start talking about who “always” does the dishes. The only issue that counts is in the moment, not yesterday or even tomorrow. The past is the past, and tomorrow is the future.
Keep it simple. Complex arguments often loose the other person’s ability to grasp the concept. When speaking keep your points short and simple. After you have made a point, ask your partner to summarize what you have said. Discuss it. Then move on to point number two. Too much information is just that, too much.

After the argument is resolved, take a few moments and try to identify how to the two of you argued about that particular issue. In other words, couples tend to have a style of fighting, regardless of what they’re fighting about (called “content”). For example Jane is always easy going, and then when she feels taken advantage of, she will share with Mark the 30 things that he has done wrong over the last month. Mark will become upset because he had no idea that all these things bothered Jane and will then withdraw. Jane becomes increasingly upset because she feels like Mark is not responsive to her. Several days later, they make up. Jane once again acts easy going, particularly because she has learned that Mark withdraws when she raises issues with him. Mark, in an effort to fix things continually tries to please Jane, does many things she does not like, but does not know it. Then eventually when Jane explodes, he becomes upset because he has spent all this effort at pleasing her which is unrecognized. There are many other cycles that could be happening. This above is just one example.

Now that the two of you have identified your typical argument pattern, the next time that you get into an argument, see if you can stop the argument midway, identify where you are in your typical argument cycle. Now do something different to break the pattern. Please note, often simply identifying the cycle is enough to break the tension and cause a positive change to occur between partners.

Help with practicing fair fighting techniques

by "Alex" Caroline Robboy, CAS, MSW, ACSW, LCSW