Supporting a Loved One
Supporting a loved one
Caring for someone with a chronic illness or in chronic pain is difficult. The continual balancing act between meeting ones own personal needs, and the other person’s is hard. At times, it is easy to go into denial about what the chronic illness or chronic pain really is, and the implications for each of you.
We believe that healthy support requires the following steps:
- Accepting the situation for what it really is: meaning, letting go of denial and developing realistic expectations for each of you.
Specifically, you should be able to identify how chronic illness / chronic pain affects each of you differently.
To do so, ask yourself, how does she describe the situation? Compare that with how you might answer it. What meaning does chronic illness / chronic pain have in her life? What meaning does it give yours? Do you feel a sense of purpose? Does your guilt increase when you think about her truncated life compared to yours? Do you feel superior? Are you more comfortable in the giving role? What are the literal ways in which she has had to change her life to accommodate the chronic condition (ie. Change jobs, sleep more, socialize less, change friends, increased visits to doctors, ask for monetary help from friends and family, take drugs etc). How has your loved ones condition influenced your life? What do you do different as a result of it? How has the condition impacted her sense of self? How has her condition impacted your relationship with her? Do you feel more entitled to ask for certain things? Does giving make you feel good?
- Setting boundaries: Identifying what your limitations are, and acting upon them. Over-giving runs the risk of creating resentment towards the other person, thus diminishing the overall positiveness of the relationship, feelings of being taken advantage of, exhaustion, depletion, anger, anxiety, guilt and depression.
To identify boundaries, first ask yourself if you continued to give in this way for the next day, week, month, year, five years, ten years, what would you be giving up? Are you comfortable with the loss? What do you gain from this dynamic? What type of compensation are you looking for in return? The personal knowledge that you are a good mother, father, daughter, son, or you enjoy playing the role of martyr, or maybe the idea that someone will then take care of you, when and if you ever experience a chronic condition.
5 Ways to support a loved one: with that being said, no each idea will work for everyone. Experiment, and only take the ones that work for you.
- Listen to their complaints, excitements, hopes and dreams
- Take over stressful chores. For example, if the person is experiencing back pain, offer to carry their groceries. This simple act might enable them to do a different activity that they normally might not have the energy for. If the person has chemotherapy, offering to drive them to their appointments might be very meaningful. If the person has migraine headaches, playing with their children while they lay down in a different room might be very meaningful. Essentially, offer to take over some of the daily grind of life so that the person can focus on themselves.
- Including the person with a chronic condition. This may mean changing the activity in such a way that this is possible. If the person has a back condition and can not sit, asking them to go out to dinner at a place that has bar height tables might enable them to stand while you sit.
- Engaging in healthy habits with them – eating well, exercising together etc.
- Giving the person the emotional space to grieve. Coming to terms with a chronic condition requires a certain amount of grief work. They need to mourn the life that they thought they would lead.
Suddenly somebody who may have been active and content isn’t the same person they were before.
If you are finding yourself struggling with how to support a loved one, or how to take care of oneself while caring for someone else, therapeutic help is available at the Center for Growth, Inc., in Center City, Philadelphia.
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